On My Dad's Passing - Unsung Heroes - Felipe

Unsung Heroes – Felipe (3-11-1931 – 2-22-2016)

You were born five years before the Spanish Civil War that would see your father exiled.

Language came later to you than your little brother Manuel. And you stuttered for a time.

Unlike those who speak incessantly with nothing to say, you were quiet and reserved.

Your mother mistook shyness for dimness, a tragic mistake that scarred you for life.

When your brother Manuel died at the age of three from Meningitis, you heard your mom

Exclaim: “God took my bright boy and left me the dull one.” You were four or five.

You never forgot those words. How could you? Yet you loved your mom with all your heart.

But you also withdrew further into a shell, solitude your companion and best friend.

You were, in fact, an exceptional child. Stuttering went away at five or so never to return,

And by the time you were in middle school, your teacher called your mom in for a rare

Conference and told her that yours was a gifted mind, and that you should be prepared

For university study in the sciences, particularly engineering.

She wrote your father exiled in Argentina to tell him the good news, that your teachers

Believed you would easily gain entrance to the (then and now) highly selective public university

Where seats were few, prized and very difficult to attain based on merit-based competitive Exams.

Your father’s response? “Buy him a couple of oxen and let him plow the fields.”

That reply from a highly respected man who was a big fish in a tiny pond in his native Oleiros

Of the time is beyond comprehension. He had apparently opted to preserve his own self-

Interest in having his son continue his family business and also work the family lands in his

Absence. That scar too was added to those that would never heal in your pure, huge heart.

Left with no support for living expenses for college (all it would have required), you moved on,

Disappointed and hurt, but not angry or bitter; you would simply find another way.

You took the competitive exams for the two local military training schools that would provide

An excellent vocational education and pay you a small salary in exchange for military service.

Of hundreds of applicants for the prized few seats in each of the two institutions, you

Scored first for the toughest of the two and thirteenth for the second. You had your pick.

You chose Fabrica de Armas, the lesser of the two, so that a classmate who had scored just

Below the cut-off at the better school could be admitted. That was you. Always and forever.

At the military school, you were finally in your element. You were to become a world-class

Machinist there—a profession that would have gotten you well paid work anywhere on earth

For as long as you wanted it. You were truly a mechanical genius who years later would add

Electronics, auto mechanics and specialized welding to his toolkit through formal training.

Given a well-stocked machine shop, you could reverse engineer every machine without

Blueprints and build a duplicate machine shop. You became a gifted master mechanic

And worked in line and supervisory positions at a handful of companies throughout your life in

Argentina and in the U.S., including Westinghouse, Warner-Lambert, and Pepsi Co.

You loved learning, especially in your fields (electronics, mechanics, welding) and expected

Perfection in everything you did. Every difficult job at work was given to you everywhere you

Worked. You would not sleep at night when a problem needed solving. You’d sketch

And calculate and re-sketch solutions and worked even in your dreams with singular passion.

You were more than a match for the academic and physical rigors of military school,

But life was difficult for you in the Franco era when some instructors would

Deprecatingly refer to you as “Roxo”—Galician for “red”-- reflecting your father’s

Support for the failed Republic. Eventually, the abuse was too much for you to bear.

Once while standing at attention in a corridor with the other cadets waiting for

Roll call, you were repeatedly poked in the back surreptitiously. Moving would cause

Demerits and demerits could cause loss of points on your final grade and arrest for

Successive weekends. You took it awhile, then lost your temper.

You turned to the cadet behind you and in a fluid motion grabbed him by his buttoned jacket

And one-handedly hung him up on a hook above a window where you were standing in line.

He thrashed about, hanging by the back of his jacket, until he was brought down by irate

Military instructors. You got weekend arrest for many weeks and a 10% final grade reduction.

A similar fate befell a co-worker a few years later in Buenos Aires who called you a

Son of a whore. You lifted him one handed by his throat and held him there until

Your co-workers intervened, forcibly persuading you to put him down.

That lesson was learned by all in no uncertain terms: Leave Felipe’s mom alone.

You were incredibly strong, especially in your youth—no doubt in part because of rigorous farm

Work, military school training and competitive sports. As a teenager, you once unwisely bent

Down to pick something up in view of a ram, presenting the animal an irresistible target.

It butted you and sent you flying into a haystack. It, too, quickly learned its lesson.

You dusted yourself off, charged the ram, grabbed it by the horns and twirled it around once,

Throwing it atop the same haystack as it had you. The animal was unhurt, but learned to

Give you a wide berth from that day forward. Overall, you were very slow to anger absent

Head-butting, repeated pokings, or disrespectful references to your mom by anyone.     

I seldom saw you angry and it was mom, not you, who was the disciplinarian, slipper in hand.

There were very few slaps from you for me. Mom would smack my behind with a slipper often

When I was little, mostly because I could be a real pain, wanting to know/try/do everything

Completely oblivious to the meaning of the word “no” or of my own limitations.

Mom would sometimes insist you give me a proper beating. On one such occasion for a

Forgotten transgression when I was nine, you  took me to your bedroom, took off your belt, sat

Me next to you and whipped your own arm and hand a few times, whispering to me “cry”—

Which I was happy to do unbidden. “Don’t tell mom.” I did not. No doubt she knew.

The prospect of serving in a military that considered you a traitor by blood became harder and

Harder to bear, and in the third year of school, one year prior to graduation, you left to join Your exiled father in Argentina, to start a new life. You left behind a mother and two sisters you Dearly loved to try your fortune in a new land. Your dog thereafter refused food, dying of grief.

You arrived in Buenos Aires to see a father you had not seen for ten years at the age of 17.

You were too young to work legally, but looked older than your years (a shared trait),

So you lied about your age and immediately found work as a Machinist/Mechanic first grade.

That was unheard of and brought you some jealousy and complaints in the union shop.

The union complained to the general manager about your top-salary and rank. He answered,

“I’ll give the same rank and salary to anyone in the company who can do what Felipe can do.”

No doubt the jealousy and grumblings continued by some for a time. But there were no takers.

And you soon won the group over, becoming their protected “baby-brother” mascot.

Your dad left for Spain within a year or so of your arrival when Franco issued a general pardon

To all dissidents who had not spilt blood (e.g., non combatants). He wanted you to return to

Help him reclaim the family business taken over by your mom in his absence with your help.

But you refused to give up the high salary, respect and independence denied you at home.

You were perhaps 18 and alone, living in a single room by a schoolhouse you had shared with

Your dad. But you had also found a new loving family in your uncle José, one of your father’s

Brothers, and his family. José, and one of his daughters, Nieves and her Husband, Emilio, and

Their children, Susana, Oscar (Ruben Gordé), and Osvaldo, became your new nuclear family.

You married mom in 1955 and had two failed business ventures in the quickly fading

Post-WW II Argentina of the late 1950s and early 1960s.The first, a machine shop, left

You with a small fortune in unpaid government contract work.  The second, a grocery store,

Also failed due to hyperinflation and credit extended too easily to needy customers.

Throughout this, you continued earning an exceptionally good salary. But in the mid 1960’s,

Nearly all of it went to pay back creditors of the failed grocery store.

We had some really hard Times. Someday I’ll write about that in some detail. Mom went to work as a maid, including for Wealthy friends, and you left home at 4:00 a.m. to return long after dark to pay the bills.

The only luxury you and mom retained was my Catholic school tuition. There was no other

Extravagance. Not paying bills was never an option for you or mom. It never entered your

Minds. It was not a matter of law or pride, but a matter of honor. There were at least three very

Lean years where you and mom worked hard, earned well but we were truly poor.

You and mom took great pains to hide this from me—and suffered great privations to insulate

Me as best you could from the fallout of a shattered economy and your refusal to cut your loses

Had done to your life savings and to our once-comfortable middle-class life. We came to the

U.S. in the late 1960s after waiting for more than three years for visas—to a new land of hope.

Your sister and brother-in-law, Marisa and Manuel, made their own sacrifices to help bring us

Here. You had about $1,000 from the down payment on our tiny down-sized house, And

Mom’s pawned jewelry. (Hyperinflation and expenses ate up the remaining mortgage payments

Due). Other prized possessions were left in a trunk until you could reclaim them. You never did.

Even the airline tickets were paid for by Marisa and Manuel. You insisted upon arriving on

Written terms for repayment including interest. You were hired on the spot on your first

Interview as a mechanic, First Grade, despite not speaking a word of English. Two months later,

The debt was repaid, mom was working too and we moved into our first apartment.

You worked long hours, including Saturdays and daily overtime, to remake a nest egg.

Declining health forced you to retire at 63 and shortly thereafter you and mom moved out of

Queens into Orange County. You bought a townhouse two hours from my permanent residence

Upstate NY and for the next decade were happy, traveling with friends and visiting us often.

Then things started to change. Heart issues (two pacemakers), colon cancer, melanoma,

Liver and kidney disease caused by your many medications, high blood pressure, gout,

Gall bladder surgery, diabetes . . . . And still you moved forward, like the Energizer Bunny,

Patched up, battered, scarred, bruised but unstoppable and unflappable.

Then mom started to show signs of memory loss along with her other health issues. She was

Good at hiding her own ailments, and we noticed much later than we should have that there

Was a serious problem. Two years ago, her dementia worsening but still functional, she had

Gall bladder surgery with complications that required four separate surgeries in three months.

She never recovered and had to be placed in a nursing home. Several, in fact, as at first she

Refused food and you and I refused to simply let her waste away, which might have been

Kinder, but for the fact that “mientras hay vida, hay esperanza” as Spaniards say. (While there is

Life there is hope.) There is nothing beyond the power of God. Miracles do happen.

For two years you lived alone, refusing outside help, engendering numerous arguments about

Having someone go by a few times a week to help clean, cook, do chores. You were nothing if

Not stubborn (yet another shared trait). The last argument on the subject about two weeks ago

Ended in your crying. You’d accept no outside help until mom returned home. Period.

You were in great pain because of bulging discs in your spine and walked with one of those

Rolling seats with handlebars that mom and I picked out for you some years ago. You’d sit

As needed when the pain was too much, then continue with very little by way of complaints.

Ten days ago you finally agreed that you needed to get to the hospital to drain abdominal fluid.

Your failing liver produced it and it swelled your abdomen and lower extremities to the point

Where putting on shoes or clothing was very difficult, as was breathing. You called me from a

Local store crying that you could not find pants that would fit you. We talked, long distance,

And I calmed you down, as always, not allowing you to wallow in self pity but trying to help.

You went home and found a new pair of stretch pants Alice and I had bought you and you were

Happy. You had two changes of clothes that still fit to take to the hospital. No sweat, all was

Well. The procedure was not dangerous and you’d undergone it several times in recent years.

It would require a couple of days at the hospital and I’d see you again on the weekend.

I could not be with you on Monday, February 22 when you had to go to the hospital, as I nearly

Always had, because of work. You were supposed to be admitted the previous Friday, but

Doctors have days off too, and yours could not see you until Monday when I could not get off

Work. But you were not concerned; this was just routine. You’d be fine. I’d see you in just days.

We’d go see mom Friday, when you’d be much lighter and feel much better. Perhaps we’d go

Shopping for clothes if the procedure still left you too bloated for your usual clothes.

You drove to your doctor and then transported by ambulette. I was concerned, but not too

Worried. You called me sometime between five or six p.m. to tell me you were fine, resting.

“Don’t worry. I’m safe here and well cared for.” We talked for a little while about the usual

Things, with my assuring you I’d see you Friday or Saturday. You were tired and wanted to sleep

And I told you to call me if you woke up later that night or I’d speak to you the following day.

Around 10:00 p.m. I got a call from your cell and answered in the usual upbeat manner.

“Hey, Papi.” On the other side was a nurse telling me my dad had fallen. I assured her she was

Mistaken, as my dad was there for a routine procedure to drain abdominal fluid. “You don’t

Understand. He fell from his bed and struck his head on a nightstand or something

And his heart has stopped. We’re working on him for 20 minutes and it does not look good.”

“Can you get here?” I could not. I had had two or three glasses of wine shortly before the call

With dinner. I could not drive the three hours to Middletown. I cried. I prayed. Fifteen minutes

Later I got the call that you were gone. Lost in grief, not knowing what to do, I called my wife.

Shortly thereafter came a call from the coroner. An autopsy was required. I could not see you.

Four days later your body was finally released to the funeral director I had selected for his

Experience with the process of interment in Spain. I saw you for the last time to identify

Your body. I kissed my fingers and touched your mangled brow. I could not even have the

Comfort of an open casket viewing. You wanted cremation. You body awaits it as I write this.

You were alone, even in death alone. In the hospital as strangers worked on you. In the medical

Examiner’s office as you awaited the autopsy. In the autopsy table as they poked and prodded

And further rent your flesh looking for irrelevant clues that would change nothing and benefit

No one, least of all you. I could not be with you for days, and then only for a painful moment.

We will have a memorial service next Friday with your ashes and a mass on Saturday. I will

Never again see you in this life. Alice and I will take you home to your home town, to the

Cemetery in Oleiros, La Coruña, Spain this summer. There you will await the love of your life.

Who will join you in the fullness of time. She could not understand my tears or your passing.

There is one blessing to dementia. She asks for her mom, and says she is worried because she

Has not come to visit in some time. She is coming, she assures me whenever I see her. You

Visited her every day except when health absolutely prevented it. You spent this February 10

Apart, your 61^st wedding anniversary, too sick to visit her. Nor was I there. First time.

I hope you did not realize you were apart on the 10^th but doubt it to be the case. I

Did not mention it, hoping you’d forgotten, and neither did you. You were my link to mom.

She cannot dial or answer a phone, so you would put your cell phone to her ear whenever I

Was not in class or meetings and could speak to her. She always recognized me by phone.

I am three hours from her. I could visit at most once or twice a month. Now even that phone

Lifeline is severed. Mom is completely alone, afraid, confused, and I cannot in the short term at

Least do much about that. You were not supposed to die first. It was my greatest fear, and

Yours, but as with so many things that we cannot change I put it in the back of my mind.

It kept me up many nights, but, like you, I still believed—and believe—in miracles.

I would speak every night with my you, often for an hour, on the way home from work late at

Night during my hour-long commute, or from home on days I worked from home as I cooked

Dinner. I mostly let you talk, trying to give you what comfort and social outlet I could.

You were lonely, sad, stuck in an endless cycle of emotional and physical pain.

Lately you were especially reticent to get off the phone. When mom was home and still

Relatively well, I’d call every day too but usually spoke to you only a few minutes and you’d

Transfer the phone to mom, with whom I usually chatted much longer.

For months, you’d had difficulty hanging up. I knew you did not want to go back to the couch,

To a meaningless TV program, or to writing more bills. You’d say good-bye, or “enough for

Today” and immediately begin a new thread, then repeat the cycle, sometimes five or six times.

You even told me, at least once crying recently, “Just hang up on me or I’ll just keep talking.”

I loved you, dad, with all my heart. We argued, and I’d often scream at you in frustration,

Knowing you would never take it to heart and would usually just ignore me and do as

You pleased. I knew how desperately you needed me, and I tried to be as patient as I could be.

But there were days when I was just too tired, too frustrated, too full of other problems.

There were days when I got frustrated with you just staying on the phone for an hour when I

Needed to call Alice, to eat my cold dinner, or even to watch a favorite program. I felt guilty

And very seldom cut a conversation short, but I was frustrated nonetheless even knowing

How much you needed me and also how much I needed you, and how little you asked of me.  

How I would love to hear your voice again, even if you wanted to complain about the same old

Things or tell me in minutest detail some unimportant aspect of your day. I thought I would

Have you at least a little longer. A year? Two? God only knew, and I could hope. There would be

Time. I had so much more to share with you, so much more to learn when life eased up a bit.

You taught me to fish (it did not take) and to hunt (that took even less) and much of what I

Know about mechanics, and electronics. We worked on our cars together for years—from brake

Jobs, to mufflers, to real tune-ups in the days when points, condensers, and timing lights had

Meaning, to rebuilding carburetors and fixing rust and dents, and power windows and more.

We were friends, good friends, who went on Sunday drives to favorite restaurants or shopping

For tools when I was single and lived at home. You taught me everything in life that I need to

Know about all the things that matter. The rest is meaningless paper and window dressing.

I knew all your few faults and your many colossal strengths and knew you to be the better man.

Not even close. I could never do what you did. I could never excel in my fields as you did in

Yours.  You were the real deal in every way, from every angle, throughout your life. I did not

Always treat you that way. But I loved you very deeply as anyone who knew us knows.

More importantly, you knew it. I told you often, unembarrassed in the telling. I love you, Dad.

The world was enriched by your journey. You do not leave behind wealth, or a body or work to

Outlive you. You never had your fifteen minutes in the sun. But you mattered. God knows your

Virtue, your absolute integrity, and the purity of your heart. I will never know a better man.

I will love you and miss you and carry you in my heart every day of my life. God bless you, dad.