"Stop trying so desperately to convince
me, and yourself, that I'm wrong. Listen to what I am saying with your heart and mind; get out of the 'adversarial mode'
and back into the 'friendship mode' counselor."
"I'm trying. Believe me, I'm really
trying to understand."
And I'm trying just as hard to make you
understand. Your understanding and approval is very important to me; although I
know you realize I'll do what I have to without either, if necessary."
I know, I know," Dan replied softly,
beginning to resign himself to the irresistible force of his friend's determination."
"Anyway, what you implied a moment
ago is not accurate. I will not reprogram the system to bring about or even facilitate
any given result. All I will do is program one single thought into my mind which
should trigger the right course."
"And what might that be?"
"Simple. Twenty years ago, the last
time that Linda and I got together and I broke it off, I reached what has become
for me the most crucial crossroad of my life: a moment in which I was torn between
wanting to hold her, to tell her that I loved her desperately and completely and
that all would be well, and needing to run out of the apartment and keep running,
never looking back. I chose the latter course. If only I'd stayed a few minutes
more, looked for another instant at her warm brown eyes, and saw, really saw, her
understanding face with the tears gently rolling down her cheeks, I know I would
not have been able to follow through. I would have followed my heart and held her,
kissed her, and poured out my heart to her. All I will do to the system is to program
the thought that I must stay with her for a little longer, and kiss her one last
time."
"And that will do it?"
"Yes."
"You're certain?"
"Absolutely."
"And what if you're wrong? What if
you stay five minutes longer, kiss her one last time and then get up and run away,
just like the last time?"
"I won't"
"Damn it, what if you do? Then what?"
"Then my ghosts will have been set
free. I will be twice damned and will prove myself unworthy of that second chance.
And I will most likely go on to live out the rest of my virtual life with the same
pain and regrets as my real one. Who knows, perhaps I'll go on to work on this project,
overflowing with regret, and do it all over again. How do you know I haven’t already,
and that this is not the umpteenth iteration of an endless loop? It doesn't really
matter what the outcome is; if there were only a one in a trillion chance of it
working, I'd sell my soul to try."
"You can't live out the rest of your
life, damn you. That's the point; you'd have nothing but a dream, a make-believe
reality."
"What's the difference, as long as
I don't know it? Reality is a subjective thing. It will be real, to me, and that's
all that matters."
"And what if I can't stop them from
pulling the plug? What if I can't get a restraining order? National security is
still a touchy area; there are no guarantees that a state or federal judge will
be willing to meddle in an intelligence agency's internal affairs, especially when
they're being carried out with Senate approval."
"Come on, Dan, you know perfectly well
that no judge will stand idly by when a human life is at stake, especially when
three others have already been lost. We're not engaged in any meaningful war at
the moment, and we're not talking about the Manhattan Project. The judiciary will
grant you a temporary restraining order as a matter of course."
"Granted, I can get an injunction.
But there's no guarantee that I can get it on time to prevent the system from being
dismantled, or your death. What’s to prevent the agency or the military from simply
pulling the plug before or after I get a restraining order?”
"That's why time is of the essence,
my friend. That's why we can't debate the issue all night. But don't worry about
the agency being in too much of a hurry to pull the plug; I've taken some precautions
to safeguard against that."
[End of preview]
Excerpted from "What Price to Live the Dream?" (C) 1987, 2011 Victor D. Lopez. All Rights Reserved.
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